I wish I wasn’t so damn lazy. It’s not like I’m NOT trying to get a job, but I could be trying harder. Sitting on my ass all day watching various TV shows on Netflix. I mean seriously the fuck am I doing with my life. Starting the habit with weed mighta been the worst thing I coulda done to myself. Because foreals I’m already the laziest person I know & now doing something that only increases my laziness? Shit wtf are you thinking Stevo? I mean don’t get me wrong Mary Jane is amazing but it’s financially stupid for me to be doing right now. I need money & the little that i do have I spend on fucking retarded shit. Lotto tickets, weed, Lego kits & slurpees. I’m a combination of a homeless person & a 10 year old. Well I have 3 homes & I’m twice that age dammit. It’s still my constant dream to win the lottery tho. I think about it all the time, how amazing life will be once I get that winning ticket.

I’ve had a good summer, no hatin on summer now. Warped tour was awesome yet tiring. Goin to Buffalo Wild Wings with different friends. Demi Lovato concert. Plenty of fun activities but it’s hard to truly have fun when I’m an unemployed loser ya know? It’s always in the back of my mind. I should be taking full advantage of living at home & make money while I’m not paying rent. Shit man I’m so frustrated with myself. I’m so damn ashamed when people ask me if/when I’m going back to Tennessee. I just wanna tell them the full truth- I fucked up. I wasted time, money and life. I didn’t even try academically or socially for that matter. I just let life pass me by for two semesters and in the process became a full fledged insomniac. I stay up till 4 with ease on most days. Also while I was over in Dirty South I fell for a girl who I will never ever be with. I thought dumb shit like that would be over with when I left high school. Wrong, asshole. I’m too picky I guess when it comes to job hunting. I’m nervous about any jobs that drug test employee candidates. I want a job that I’m near. But all the jobs that catch my interest on Craigslist or otherwise, usually require a year or more of experience. Like where the fuck am I supposed to get this experience?! Working in my mom & dad’s shop, oh wait it’s not the fucking 50s when everyone’s parents own a store/business.

At this point I’m just venting. I guess my main frustration, I thought life would be easier once I got back from Tennessee and started really driving around for the first time in my life. My plan in life (obviously Plan A is winning the lotto) is to do some generals at De Anza & eventually end up in bartending school. On a related note I really hate this commercial that basically gives this guy the options of being a plumber or a doctor. Like what the fuck. Yesterday I think I drove umm…under the influence all the way up to Hayward & back. I’m not proud of that, but I am thankful to what ever higher power exists, that I’m alive.

I wouldn’t say that I’m totally atheist, but it sure is hard as fuck to believe in a caring God when scumbags like Rush Limbaugh are breathing and people that contribute nothing to society like me even exist while good people who are a joy to be around and give everything in life 100% and are truly a good person, DIE. For no reason sometimes. What kind of fucking God is that? Honestly though, you will NEVER catch me saying “FML I HATE MY LIFE” because I know how damn good I have it compared to some people in this world, I will never take for granted the loving family and people I have around me. Which may be why this Colorado shooting has me a bit shook. I don’t know what the hell I would do if someone I loved was shot like that. I hope that ginger piece of shit is raped and beaten in prison.

I will attempt to sleep now. I’m not proofreading this because it’s four o’clock in the fucking morning (shoutout to The Used).